Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
Terrible brother advice.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?