I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Dating After Heartbreak
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.