I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
