Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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