I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
