I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
