Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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