"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
