You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Randomize
