Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
