I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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