I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
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