Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
what is it with giant penises always finding me
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
