just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
