Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Randomize
