im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
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