I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
