Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
