He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
