i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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