he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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