apparently the secret to your success is patron
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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