She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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