It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
