I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
