Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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