Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
