put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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