Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
