apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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