I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
