whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
The dick lei will go down in squad history
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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