Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
