its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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