I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
