dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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