i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
