I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
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And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
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He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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