I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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