someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
