so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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