I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
