Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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