Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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