I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
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