My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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