When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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