East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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