You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
