I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
