It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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