gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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