The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
One girl and one boy is just not enough.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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